After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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