apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
