my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
FUCK WHALES
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
