Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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