there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
