you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
