Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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