i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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