I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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