My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
