Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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