We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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