I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
