happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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