Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize