i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Is it because I queefed?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
