Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
