**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Randomize
