PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
