I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
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