my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize