Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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