On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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