I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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