Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize