I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
