im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
