Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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