Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
