How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
