You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
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