I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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