Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
She bit a glass in half.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
