she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
