I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
