It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
