So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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