Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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