she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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