Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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