you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
