she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Randomize
