Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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