Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
