Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
pray to the hookup gods
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
