It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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