yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
