Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
