I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
