Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
