Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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