alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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