I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
