The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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