i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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