I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
