I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
