If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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