Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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